Durga says: December 3, 2016 at 7:29 am
Hello everyone. I am a hindu and I love this guy who is anglo indian. He is the most amazing person I have ever met and I love him more than anything. I am also older than him by 1.5 years. I forced him to tell his parents since my college is over and I wanted his parents to know that he has a hindu girlfriend as I would like to marry him at some point. Thats where the trouble started.
His mom talked to me and it was horrible. In conclusion, she wanted me to leave him. I can understand her view point. She loves his son and thinks I wont be a good match for him. But I still love him and I hope she turns around in future. His family fights with him daily for me, asking him to leave me and it hurts me to see him in such a pain. He does not deserve this. He has stopped talking about future anymore, not because he doesnt want one, but he does not know what will happen. I cant ask him to leave his parents too. I know how much they love him.
He thinks we should try our best to stick till he gets a job and try again to talk to his parents. If they agree, well enough, otherwise we will part ways. I agree with this too. Every moment spent with him is enough and I would not regret it. I just want to know how to cope when he goes through such stuff at home, all the shoutings and fights. He doesnt tell me most of it, but I know something’s up with him. Can anyone tell me what can I do to go through this ? –Durga
Anglo Indian: The term Anglo-Indians can refer to at least two groups of people: those with mixed Indian and British ancestry, and people of British descent born or living in the Indian subcontinent. The latter sense is now mainly historical, but confusions can arise. The Oxford Dictionary, for example, gives three possibilities: “Of mixed British and Indian parentage, of Indian descent but born or living in Britain, or (chiefly historical) of British descent or birth but living or having lived long in India”. People fitting the middle definition are more usually known as British Asian or British Indian. This article focuses primarily on the modern definition, a distinct minority community of mixed Eurasian ancestry, whose native language is English.
During the centuries that Britain was in India, the children born to British men and Indian women began to form a new community. (This process was replicated in many other meetings of European traders and colonisers across the subcontinent, including in Burma – Anglo-Burmese people – and Sri Lanka – Burgher people.) These Anglo-Indians formed a small but significant portion of the population during the British Raj, and were well represented in certain administrative roles. The Anglo-Indian population dwindled from roughly 800,000 at the time of independence in 1947 to fewer than 350,000 by 2010. Many have adapted to local communities and emigrated to the United Kingdom, Australia, Canada, the United States and New Zealand.
Durga says: March 22, 2018 at 9:45 am
Dear admin,
What I told to veena is a mere generalization of what we both went through all this time. And yeah, there is no light at the end of the tunnel but I want to keep going through the tunnel till I find a way out. No one can ever predict what I will find in the end, but I am willing to try and luckily so is he. I guess we are trying to wear off our parents by staying at our stance till the point they just give up. I just want to try my best and not worry about the results as of now. We have a long way to go and I am okay with where I am right now. Thanks for your concern. -Durga
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Hi
Durga,
I had read your story in interfaith shaadi. Am really sad and presently facing the same situation as u have now only one change is that we both have job still his mom is not allowing. Actually I thought of presenting this relationship first at his home after that in my family. But thngs had gone really worse that his mom is not allowing it. Am a Hindu and he is Anglo Indian am realy dull thinking about my future too. Can u please giv me any advice for this. Really finding it lost
Reply at https://interfaithshaadi.org/?p=12609&cpage=1#comment-410115
Hey Veena,
I hope you see it in time. As you can see it has been a year since I wrote that post. I was so lost and in so much pain. But I worked hard after that to get my life together. It’s still hard but it’s okay. It made me stronger. I still love him and he still loves me and I still wish to have a future. I have no credibility to give you advice but I will tell you what I think and maybe you can see if it suits you. If the two of you love each other a lot, you will have to take some stand and make some sacrifice. No matter what you do, there will be someone who won’t be happy with your choice. Keep that in mind and stick together. Dont give up on each other. You will need to be very very strong because your parents will hurt you emotionally. It’s not their fault since they want to protect you from what they think is a mistake. Stick together and work towards future and hopefully they will see they can’t move you and they will either give up or leave you. Then you can be together. It’s a game for long run which needs perseverance and mental strength. That’s what I am planning to do. I don’t know what will happen but I won’t give up. Hopefully you will get what you want.
All my love
Durga
Hi Durga,
It must be hard to go through all these pain for such a long time and still “no light at the end of the tunnel”. Where do you stand in your love relationship and hope to get married? Smith also wrote below, what is the main issue for you two to move forward now?
Dear admin,
What I told to veena is a mere generalization of what we both went through all this time. And yeah, there is no light at the end of the tunnel but I want to keep going through the tunnel till I find a way out. No one can ever predict what I will find in the end, but I am willing to try and luckily so is he. I guess we are trying to wear off our parents by staying at our stance till the point they just give up. I just want to try my best and not worry about the results as of now. We have a long way to go and I am okay with where I am right now. Thanks for your concern.
We like your strategy, “we are trying to wear off our parents by staying at our stance.” We suggest to give them a fake deadline that you are going to marry by …(Aug 15?). Let them boil over. It will stimulate them to think critically.
We highly recommend you to read our book and it will give you talking points to Smith and both sets of parents (know this is a non-profit work; the book cost us more than the selling price!!).
A side line talk, why do you think people who fail in love something take totally irrational decision (read)?
Hi Admin
Like duga i also loved a Anglo boy his mother also told me dont marry him he is not your type but i thought why a mother says like that about her own son he needs love i was a graduate he just school drop out i was many years younger to him but i left all & married him i am Brahmin by birth i took baptism & First holy communion & have strong faith too for our lady
we were married but he was never a responsible man never worked on a job for at least a year always lies, flirting with other girls my life is doomedd i have 2 children
My husband is taken over the house collecting rent has given me a small 1 Bedroom/kitchen/wash to stay kids talk to them we are separated as i work and stay with my son in Gulf he did not support us in any means in all these years now also not willing to give me divorce or any share in my property
i had been asking /applying for divorce but failed
now i have no job, no house no place to NOTHING
my mother side people tell me you pray to Hindu gods & come back your life will be ok but i am confused
i need a peaceful & secure Life at least now
Pls guide me
Durga i am NOT DISCOURAGING YOU BUT MOTHERS ARE OFTEN RIGHT BETTER LATE THEN NEVER gOOD LUCK
Reply at https://interfaithshaadi.org/?p=11938
Dear Indian,
I’m the guy durga has been referring in the story. I can’t explain how different it feels reading my story online.
I read your comment and felt very sad, What you have given up and what you have accepted for his sake is worthy of saying your love for him was very true whereas he seeming being the elder one has just been very irresponsible and rude. I wish this midlife crisis didnt happen to you.
he seems to be unfaithful and very ungrateful for you. His character seems to be flawed. Generalizing men based on the fact he is an anglo would be wrong. He wouldn’t fit being called a gentleman.
he had left his children with you which I find extremely disrespectful.
If both of you people dont love each other anymore, It is only decent to take a divorce. perhaps see a lawyer or take higher steps to move away from such a person if you are sure he wont change.
I still cant make a final statement. I believe there is always more to the story.I hope things can turn better for you. I wish you can find the right help/job/people and support your family. I wish I can help you out more.
I have always a meek person. As a child, I always agreed to what people told me once and never raised a question and I am still like that when it comes to elders to some extent. On the other hand, my boyfriend is more free spirited and does not back down if he thinks something is wrong with what his parents said. He got all this from his parents. SO imagine me talking to his parents. I guess I took it harder because I have never interacted with people like them, loud and honest. My family is not like that. SO my point is she did not curse at me and did not shout. I felt that way because I have never talked to someone like that.
She just asked me to leave her son (understandable from a parents view in India) and her major concern was that I am a hindu. I am also a brahmin. Her other concern could be and I could relate to that is that brahmin in South India here are the most stuck up people I have met (No offence but such has been my experience). In lot of cases, similar to me, they create a ruckus and file a police complaint sending the guy to jail. It is horrible. I thought it happened in movies but I saw this in real life. His parents think I might do the same thing. I am not like that and neither is family. Hypothetically, if it ever comes to that (which it wont), I am not going to let anyone hurt him for a decision we both made mutually as adults. Thanks to him, I can speak up my mind now.
Regarding my family, the females in my family knows, my aunt and my mom. They have always told me that as long as I have a solid career and I am independent, I can marry any guy, given he is decent and independent himself. But even if there will be a problem, I would go with my choice because I have one life and I am not going to spend it with some stranger.I understand all this religion issue. My grandfather raised me to love all the religions and never forced to believe in just one. SO as a grown up, I believe in god and but I refuse to believe in a religion because I would not know what God looks like. I think as long as I am a good person and help out others, I am doing okay.
On the other hand, he goes to church every weekend. They have a community related to church. It has been a part of his life. SO I can see why it would be hard for his parents to marry a girl who does not believe in their religion. Or what will be our kids like? A hindu or a christian. I can say I am okay as long as they grow up to be good and kind people, but it would not matter to elders. They want more than that. Religion is important to them.
I am not naive and I know there is a big chance that our future plan might crash and burn. But I will try because he is worth it. And if it does not, I will be grateful that we had a long run together. But I would love if it works.
Durga,
End being a meek. You must be assertive and be firm in your beliefs. Agree that you don’t want to take advantage of others, but at the same time, you will make sure that no one takes you for a ride.
Your grandfather taught you a very golden lesson, “raised me to love all the religions,” but unfortunately it will ruin you if you follow this advise in your case. “love all religions” does not mean you put with injustice by some religion. As per fundamentalist Christianity, you and your grandfather are sinners; are you? You must raise your head and demand for interfaith marriage with equality (50%-50%), and nothing less.
This is of major concern to us “he goes to church every weekend.” Let us ask you one question: how will you get married (assuming both sets of parents agree)? Hindu wedding, Christian wedding, both or the Special Marriage Act 1954?
Hi Durga,
First, congratulations for taking a few right steps. It was a very smart move on your part to involve parents. It will help you two ways: 1) Now you know reality and 2) it takes a few years for parents to accept facts of life. It is possible (only small chance) that this same mother-in-law will become your best friend one day.
We agree to your strategy, “best to stick till he gets a job and try again to talk to his parents. If they agree, well enough, otherwise we will part ways.”
It is common for any parent to expect their children to marry only in their own faith/culture. Even this guy was a Hindu from a different country or Jain, parents may react the same way. It is normal. It is because parents are out of reality of life. It is a matter of teaching to parents and we will guide you step-wise right here.
To start with, can you list 3 major concerns that your (hoped for) mother-in-law raised for you? What was so horrible in her replies, please details us and we will guide you how to proceed further. Did you talk to our parents? We will be waiting to hear from you!